When we sabotage ourselves

When we sabotage ourselves
Photo by Toa Heftiba / Unsplash

The saying goes that we are our own worst enemy, and the more I become aware of my life and how my mind and body works, the more I understand the nuances of this statement. Over the years I have noticed how, when I set out to achieve something, I am the one who gets in my own way.

I believe that we are the ones who can only truly block our own growth, our own potential. We are the most self critical, we are the harshest commentators of our own actions and we are the first to call ourselves up when we make a mistake. Well, for many of us anyway.

My creative outlet is writing. In 2016 I started a blog to write about my experience as I began to question “ is this all that life is?”. You can’t see this blog today because over the last seven years it morphed from one site to another, from one domain name to another and the content switched between travel and self expression. Essentially, the writing didn’t flow and I struggled to maintain any level of foundation and commitment because I was hiding who I was in fear of sharing my inner experience and my opinion. I was afraid there would be backlash and that I would be burned at the stake, or worse, #cancelled.

Was anyone reading the dribblings of my work? Probably not as they wouldn’t have been able to keep up with my practice of domain hopping. I couldn’t share who I was, but as I wrote I became bitter that I wasn’t sharing who I am. This tension stopped me from writing and kept me locked in an endless cycle of making pretty wordpress websites and conjuring up new pseudonyms. All the while, my creative expression stagnated.

Whether or not these fears are unfounded, they were true to me, and it is how I sabotaged my creativity and my self. You may be reading this now wondering why I would even consider these as fears, perhaps. Dear reader, I ask you to ponder your own passions and what blockages you perceive to these passions. Say them out loud or write them down. Pretend you are telling me what they are. Do they sound so scary when you write them down or speak them out? Perhaps, perhaps not. In our mind is where they are the most frightening. In our mind is where they hold power. In the dark is where they fester. If we dare bring them to light we may see them for the smoke and mirrors they really are.

Yet it is important we practice calling them out because although they are groundless, they have real impact. They stifle our creativity. They choke our abundance and block our kaleidoscope of joyful experience. They hinder the very meaning of what is means to be alive.What I have learned is that until they are called out, until we lift up the metaphorical tablecloth and look underneath, our creative outlet will continue to be blocked, no matter how much we try to push through. If we brush it under the rug, we continue to trip over the hump.